Thursday, December 22, 2011

Two Dead Birds, One Lump of Coal......

     I appreciate bumper stickers.  They are a tiny bit of entertainment during an otherwise frustrating ritual that is morning and afternoon traffic.  I saw one this week on a Dodge Ram truck that was outfitted with some nice offroad tires and a lift kit that read: "My footprint is bigger than yours".  Typically in these situations I go for the obvious sarcasm's, like "he must wear a size 14 shoe to put that kind of sticker on his truck"...but I'm sliding past that and acknowledging the jab he was throwing at the environmentally concerned of Denver.  Right off the bat I was upset....because he was probably right!  I bet his footprint is bigger!  I'm a competitive guy, and deep down that got me thinking...how big is my footprint?  For added mental complexity--for me--I had at the time been mulling over my legacy....what about me stands out? What will people remember me for? What have I accomplished so far?  And it gelled in my mind....I will beat this guy.  I will increase my footprint to an incredible level, one possibly visible from space.  I win and I create a legacy, really accomplish something of merit.
     This sounds easier than I think it will actually be.  How inefficiently can I live on a day to day basis to ensure that I amass more carbon emissions than everyone that surrounds me?  Well, for starters, I'm typing this naked because I've turned the heat up in my house to 106°.  Sounds hot, but it's really just comfortable because I've opened half my house windows since it's snowing and chilly outside...you should see the steam rising off the roof, it's crazy!  Nothing like a warm, crackling gas fire place raging in the middle of the day too...boy it feels like the holidays!  Speaking of that...Christmas lights.  These babies are never getting turned off...in fact, I need more--Clark Griswold, show me your way!  Once they're all up, they're staying up all year...it'll look like a fancy Mexican restaurant in Texas around here!   I've already got every light on in here, and right about now I'm regretting the switch we made to those "high efficiency" mercury poisoning inducing lights....too efficienct, totally against the grain here, just bad timing.  But there's more than just keeping the meter spinning (I'm proud of myself, I stopped typing for a while and came back again just now--and left the computer on!).
     Vehicles...I think I'll need to keep them running 24/7, which is really a win/win since it's 19° outside.  Nothing better than getting into a warm car when it's freezing out.  I think I'll fire up the generator and lawn mower while I'm at it and just let them idle....with the garage door open of course...I'm not reckless.
     I have to think of this as a year round venture, so there is the classic juxtaposition--A/C units--contributing (allegedly) to global warming while cooling it at the same time.   I think this summer I'll buy as many window units as I can fit in my truck.  Then I'll plug them all in and fire them up in the backyard....so I'm ensuring a huge footprint while ironically cooling the atmosphere just enough to offset the potential "damage"...my own carbon credit of sorts.  I'm not sure how this is all going to be documented or shared with the world, but my legacy will live on through my kids at a minimum--and not just genetically.  I can see it now, everyone sitting around talking about dear old dad someday....."Remember what he did to the house?  What a freak, I never slept in that stupid house, too many lights on....but I did enjoy the soothing buzz of air conditioning units going non-stop just outside our bedroom window."  "Want to decorate for Christmas this year?"...."No."
     Ah, to be remembered.  The harder part is going to be finding that dude in the Dodge to rub it in his face....but then again, I might not want to....especially if all he meant was that he had huge feet, which also relates to a huge fist.  I'm competitive, but I'm not good at confrontation.   Man, I didn't think of that.  I need to rethink this whole thing.  It's hot in here....um, forget I said anything.

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