Thursday, January 12, 2012

I heard this song today.....

I’m driving in to the office this morning and have the radio on one of the country stations here in Denver.  I was hoping for “Red Solo Cup”, but instead got “I wish you’d love me like my dog does”….and the wheels have begun to turn in my mind….which is funny, because I don’t think country music has ever been accused of making anyone “think”….drink maybe…..which I guess explains the popularity of Red Solo Cup.
Some of the lines in the song  basically elude to the fact that the dude is just not good enough for the mystery girl, but good enough for his dog….and what I wonder is, what would this world really be like without women?
Now, for the purpose of this hypothetical rant, I think I’ll skip over the obvious answers like: “there would be no babies” or “no such thing as gourmet cupcakes”, or “we might never know what an apple actually tastes like”, and examine my thoughts on the effect on the condition of man in a world of men and what might be different…..if only for a single generation (unless, because we are more productive academically, we figure out how to synthesize a new person by combining sperm—and only if they come out of the Petri dish as at least a 7 year old that can dress and feed himself).
Music would be so different, it hard to imagine there would even be music…maybe just stand up comedy, sports, and news shows on the radio.  “A boy named Sue” would have little strain to it, and wouldn’t be a classic, but Chris LeDoux’s “This Cowboy’s Hat” would be legendary beyond the Wyoming borders—as it should be.  There would be no love songs, but I’m fairly certain Queen would be just as popular either way.  Back on the love song thing though….think of how many songs would never get written without the muse or emotional torture on the male by the female species…neither love, hate, broken heart, jealousy, or” I know you’re out there somewhere” type themes.   Can you even write a song about “those dudes from the office are pretty cool to play poker with every three months” and turn it into a club hit?….also something that wouldn’t exist by the way—no dance clubs—except maybe for the bars where they’ll still play hits by Duran Duran or Erasure. 
On the upside for music, we’d still have awesome guitarists and drummers, and probably harmonicas.  On the down side, we’d still have Kenny G and John Tesh.
Socks wouldn’t match an outfit, at least not by color and nobody would care.…but come to think of it, what does white NOT match?  Tube socks would rule, and eventually you’d end up with at least different shades of white depending on the laundering skills of the owners of said socks.   Button up shirts may never get invented….ties wouldn’t for sure, who needs that hassle?  Shoes that tie would be a big enough hassle—boots would reign supreme, when you weren’t wearing cleats of some kind.  No more fashion week, no more Bravo TV….Levi’s would rule the fashion world in strict contest with Wrangler.  Polo and Nike would remain for the necessity of maintaining respectability on the golf course—and the need for a quality manufacturer of white socks….tennis would probably only exist in Europe.    I’ve given this section too much text already…basically, it would be fairly clean and very comfortable…who would need to dress to impress?—that would come down to cars, not clothes.
Architectural design would be a great venue for artistic expression, but likely dominated by log and/or sheet metal—whatever keeps you from annual maintenance or severe headaches caused by color selection.  I still feel like Antoine Predock would be a huge success,  and that Frank Lloyd Wrights “Falling Water” would be duplicated all over the country, and that the Empire State building and Sears Tower would certainly exist, but I have serious doubts about Sydney’s Opera house or the colorful track housing of San Francisco….then again, something tells me that city wouldn’t be that different.
Interior design would look a lot like IKEA stuff I’m sure…clean lines, square corners, and plenty of room for electronics.  The difference would be that it would be delivered put together, and be made from better materials….maybe there would just be a huge Pottery Barn, Crate &Barrel, or Ethan Allen…just enough competition to keep prices reasonable….but they’d have to find ways of upselling, otherwise they’d sell one piece of furniture to someone every 40 years.    There would be house painters, because even guys can appreciate a little color….whatever makes the autographed jerseys and neon lights pop.  The term “man-cave” wouldn’t even exist…no more relegation to the basement or garage.  In fact, the houses would be all one level, with an unclear break between garage and house.  In a push for simplicity and function , the houses could really just be one huge room, which would be a lot easier to deal with when wiring for full theatre surround sound….who doesn’t want their TV, telephone, fridge, and toilet in the same room?
Nothing would really change with vehicles, but lines would be more clearly drawn between countries—I can only assume Europe would still have Mini’s and MG’s, but will maintain their “man card” by continuing to kick out Ferrari’s and Lambo’s.  Trucks, sport cars, motorcycles, anything for off-road, and probably horses still.  No RV’s, no station wagons, no Camry’s, no scooters, and probably no Volkswagens of any kind.  All vehicles would only be available in primary colors or black, silver, or white. 
Salaries would be under control but testosterone wouldn’t be..…Teachers, in fact, would probably get paid more, because impressing other people would all happen during the game, or on the course, or on the track, not necessarily with the paycheck to play a game.   There would be a lot of grief saved for the guys who would have otherwise joined a cheerleading squad, another casualty of a unisex world. 
Hunting wouldn’t change much, other than the side industries….wall mounts would be more standard decoration fare than in just the mid-west, so taxidermy would rank as a highly desirable career option.  Where WE and Bravo networks would disappear, VS. and Outdoor Network would expand to fill the void. 

Resorts would look like current day Flying J’s….someplace for fuel, food, a shower, and place to park your truck for a bit.  Ski resorts would pretty much just have a restaurant and access to a chair lift…Motel 6 would be the biggest hotel chain in the world, and probably be seen as frivolous.  Spa’s…well, spa probably wouldn’t even be a word.  Hot springs might be the only time you would see more than one guy in a vat of hot water with another….maybe .  
Chefs would be challenged to create food that looks appetizing under fluorescent lights, because low lit or candle lit meals just wouldn’t feel right—or maybe they would, who knows  .  Restaurants would all have bar seating for dudes eating alone, along with tables for business meals or a group of friends, and all would have a “to go” menu option.  High end steak joints would survive for sure, but I doubt everything would be getting paired with some kind of wine selection.  Homes would come standard with grills installed, indoors and outdoors, with industrial vent hoods and a rotisserie.   Grocery stores would be much smaller….basically an aisle for drugs, and aisle for toilet paper, and aisle for cereal and bread, an aisle for drinks,  and an aisle for frozen dinners and ice cream—yeah, Ben and Jerry both made the cut—and an aisle for meat, milk, and some vegetables.   No Hallmark cards, no seasonal selections, no yogurt, very few baking items, no flowers, no junk for kids, etc.  And all checkouts would be express or do it yourself.   There wouldn’t just be a bank in the grocery store, but a clinic, a dentist, a barber, and insurance agent,  and a store front for JCPenney for underwear and socks. 
Productivity would be through the roof.  And why not? What distractions would the guys really have?  You can’t hunt all the time, you don’t need to go shopping, no one is calling you, you’re not going to be late for a date, there isn’t a game on every single night…, you work.   That’s not to say the quality of work would go through the roof, just the time invested….but I do know there was a lot of evidence showing an advantage for boys in “all boy” classrooms, so I have to assume it carries over to the working world a little bit. 
Who knows, maybe this is all wrong, it’s certainly a ridiculous topic to spend any time on.  Come to think of it, who doesn’t like a cupcake once in a while?  The more I re-read through some of this, all I did was write about life in rural Montana. Frankly, I’m pretty sure if this world existed, I’d be spending my free time wishing there was something to fill that unexplainable void in my life….I wouldn’t know it, but I’d be missing my wife. 
Hmmm…..another song just played with a guy singing about what his life would be like without his girl, all the stuff he’d get to do or want to do—how appropriate—and his statement about what he’d be doing without her?  Spending his time looking for a girl just like her….exactly.   Would the world be different? Of course.  But who would really want to live in a world without all that crazyness that comes with those pretty apple pickers?  I know my life is better with Kelli in it, and my boys.   Ha , just realized as I wrote that last sentence…my poor wife—she’s already living in a world with all guys….maybe I should have just asked her what it’s like.  Sounds  a  little drab though, not sure how she’s holding it together…..women are mysterious and impressive.

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